Demystifying MBA jargons

1) GAS- a.k.a. goli is a technique developed through years of doing nothing and yet escaping getting a a$$-whooping. The basic requirement of gassing around is a working knowledge of the English language. That’s it, although a rich imagination would go a long way in furthering your prospects. It’s a very important weapon in the arsenal of anybody who wants to be rich/famous/pseudo-intellectual. Its not much distinguishable from ‘content’ which like the rain-forests of Africa, is rapidly dwindling. In fact, I would say that

• Gas = Unconfirmed content

For, eg
Martin Luther King : I have a dream blah blah… (GAS) (till he finally succeeded)
Dean : Game over!! You are not giving this semester exams (Content)
How to find out if you are gaseous or merely human?
Step 1: Take a serious sounding topic of your choice.
Step 2: Try to speak on it without in any way referring to the topic or coming remotely near to it but with random facts and in a manner so convincing that it feels u own wikileaks. Be liberal with clichéd phrases and conjunctions.
Step 3: look around for comments/reactions. If people look at you approvingly, it means u can gas successfully. However, if people are disapproving or have a hand on their mouth, it either means that you have gassed unsuccessfully or you have literally gassed. You need to watch wot you speak in the first case, and watch wot you eat in the second.

2) Day minus 1 : contrary to popular notions, this doesn’t involve travelling back in time. It’s a concept designed to satisfy the egos of companies which are more inflated than Pamela anderson’s 36DDs(or is it 34DD, I haven’t been keeping track lately)..it basically means all the companies in placement season which come before the first company. (confused? My job here is done.)

3) Push/pull(context:placements) – This is as old as our college itself. But strangely enough, not even our college watchman dhansingh (whom the britishers left behind) has any idea what it means. The definition is as everchanging as a bjp spokespersons comments and may mean anything at any given point of time. The only thing that is constant is that it happens. Legendary placement secretaries have compared it to the revolutions of the sun around the earth (apparently, placement secys are not that well-read).

4) GBM – ‘A place where ppl collectively agree to disagree’ is the best way to describe it. Its full form is general body meeting. And the folks ensure that it stays so (i.e. general) even if there’s an agenda to every meeting. The decent way to handle a GBM is either drunk or with loads of popcorn and in one of the back-seats. Coz sometimes its more entertaining than a mithun flick in Bengali.

5) PSA – A tool originally envisioned to get new student into the MBA mode, its nowadays used by seniors to get assignments done from juniors or just for kicks. Its expanded as pre-session assignment but the facchas know it by different names like ‘Pervert Seniors ka Attyachar’.

6) Induction – formalized ragging (read:content building) with odd hour deadlines and odder assignments. More advantages have been pointed out of this exercise than wot vicco claims from its ayurvedic toothpaste, however, like the latter, its still to show concrete results.

7) Bulk deal – A bulk deal can be for anything and everything in a subsidized b-school like ours. From laptops and mobile connections to accommodation and cannabis, we demand bulk deals for anything and everything.

8) SOPbox – A process in which candidates to a post introduce their candidature and are immediately subjected to Roadies-type torture(makes Raghu Ram look like a 5 yr old). only marginally better than stripping people naked and then laughing at them. However, for all that you know that might be the next logical step. This has been advocated as a way of filtering out non-serious as well as candidates with morals/honesty from the process of selection. Pakistan uses this method to select its Army chief. In fact I propose that the next SOPbox be recorded and the footage sold to India TV/ Colours tv channel. Definitely prime time stuff I say.

9) CV point – Any stuff that you include in your CV. assumes special significance during certain time of the year (between December to February). CV points range from the super-speciality (e.g.:awarded TIME magazine ‘person of the year’) to the mundane (e.g.:helped old lady cross the road). There have been instance where people have made an entire CV based on references only from Wikipedia.

10) Stalling – a process by which you ensure that a company is pissed and definitely walks off your campus. Usually recommended for adrenaline junkies and extremely gaseous people (Refer: ‘Gas’ above)
(More to follow).. :D