If life threw lemons (A.K.A. FMS Oscars 2011)

There was this nice quote which went ‘If life throws lemons, make lemonade’. Since then, there have been numerous funny versions of it. I today tried to think what my wonderful batchmates from the 2011 batch would do if life threw lemons at them. So, here goes,

If life threw lemons

Sasi – would beat the hell out of the lemons with chappal until they agreed to do whatever it is that he wanted.

Pandey – would ask the lemons to set him up with a nice Brahmin gal

Saby – would ask life/lemons to give him sutta/water/money/other random stuff that he may/maynot have a need for. In addition, he will ask the lemons to drop him to college as well.

Ritu – would bitch about one lemon to the other lemons. Every week the unfortunate lemon in question would change.

Sawa – would stop talking to Life for 36 hours until it agrees to give him apples as well. In which case sawa will pay 200 bucks to life.

Shanky – will be pleased at finding permanent audience for his jokes. Will terrorize the poor beings with his demonic laughter. Will also flirt with them if they are male lemons. He will also try to generate as much publicity using the lemons as possible.

Garima – will discuss art movies with the lemons. However, after a brief period of time (2 years or so) will realize that the lemons are inanimate objects. In which case, she will begin to look at the lemons themselves as objects of art.

Chockani – will accept the lemons gracefully. However he will fight for apples as that is wot he really wants. he will be suitably rewarded with apples as well, which will drag him into a controversy where he will be blamed for unethical acts.

Varun satia – will be sleeping and will wake up to find spoilt lemons.

Kundu – will be too busy studying to notice the lemons. On noticing the lemons, she will promptly clean them and make space in her room for the lemons. (Also, the lemons will be neatly labeled)

Rana – will advice Life on how throwing lemons is not such a good idea n how life should bring about diversity in its operations. He will quote from management and other books to prove his point. Finally, life will agree to give him apples if he shuts up.

Rodeja – Will give life lemons. Will condition the lemons into accepting him as their leader. Will also speak in funny accents to the lemons.

Manu – will bully the lemons everyday till they commit suicide. After that he will proceed to bully life itself into submission.

Nirmiti – would color the lemons with different colors thereby irritating life and getting back at it.

Malay – will crush the lemons with his bare hands and make lemonade to impress a certain someone.

Suhas – will do a wiki on lemons. Thereafter will do a wiki on life. After that, will go ahead and download all classical songs involving lemons.

Reetam, Pradeep & Diven – wil get into an existential debate on lemons which will however also involve Marxism, naxalism, euthanasia and other philosophical stuff which in the end have nothing to do with lemons whatsoever

Rishi lalwani – will be happy on receiving the lemons. However, he will misplace the lemons within 2 days and then forget about them altogether.

Govinda – will do weird, unmentionable things to lemons, be convicted and spend the rest of his life in prison. Sometimes will get drunk and call other people’s lemons at nite.

Harsh Pandey – will try to make more sense than the lemons and will fail miserably.

Vikas Jaglan - will not be present when life throws lemons but will ask someone to proxy for him. will demand for 'matthi & achar' along with lemon. In the end, he will say 'arre isse accha lemon to main fek sakta hoon' and will draw up a B-plan for throwing lemons at random people

Lateral candidates – will demand a shot at the fresher’s lemons as well.

(This piece is intended as a satire and as my ‘thank you’ note to my dear friends from the batch of 2011. In case any of you are offended,i'm really sorry, lemme know so i can make changes..i'd also recommend another quote for u, it goes 'Dont get mad, get even' )

Also, more to follow…. Keep watching this space.. :D



Demystifying MBA jargons

1) GAS- a.k.a. goli is a technique developed through years of doing nothing and yet escaping getting a a$$-whooping. The basic requirement of gassing around is a working knowledge of the English language. That’s it, although a rich imagination would go a long way in furthering your prospects. It’s a very important weapon in the arsenal of anybody who wants to be rich/famous/pseudo-intellectual. Its not much distinguishable from ‘content’ which like the rain-forests of Africa, is rapidly dwindling. In fact, I would say that

• Gas = Unconfirmed content

For, eg
Martin Luther King : I have a dream blah blah… (GAS) (till he finally succeeded)
Dean : Game over!! You are not giving this semester exams (Content)
How to find out if you are gaseous or merely human?
Step 1: Take a serious sounding topic of your choice.
Step 2: Try to speak on it without in any way referring to the topic or coming remotely near to it but with random facts and in a manner so convincing that it feels u own wikileaks. Be liberal with clichéd phrases and conjunctions.
Step 3: look around for comments/reactions. If people look at you approvingly, it means u can gas successfully. However, if people are disapproving or have a hand on their mouth, it either means that you have gassed unsuccessfully or you have literally gassed. You need to watch wot you speak in the first case, and watch wot you eat in the second.

2) Day minus 1 : contrary to popular notions, this doesn’t involve travelling back in time. It’s a concept designed to satisfy the egos of companies which are more inflated than Pamela anderson’s 36DDs(or is it 34DD, I haven’t been keeping track lately)..it basically means all the companies in placement season which come before the first company. (confused? My job here is done.)

3) Push/pull(context:placements) – This is as old as our college itself. But strangely enough, not even our college watchman dhansingh (whom the britishers left behind) has any idea what it means. The definition is as everchanging as a bjp spokespersons comments and may mean anything at any given point of time. The only thing that is constant is that it happens. Legendary placement secretaries have compared it to the revolutions of the sun around the earth (apparently, placement secys are not that well-read).

4) GBM – ‘A place where ppl collectively agree to disagree’ is the best way to describe it. Its full form is general body meeting. And the folks ensure that it stays so (i.e. general) even if there’s an agenda to every meeting. The decent way to handle a GBM is either drunk or with loads of popcorn and in one of the back-seats. Coz sometimes its more entertaining than a mithun flick in Bengali.

5) PSA – A tool originally envisioned to get new student into the MBA mode, its nowadays used by seniors to get assignments done from juniors or just for kicks. Its expanded as pre-session assignment but the facchas know it by different names like ‘Pervert Seniors ka Attyachar’.

6) Induction – formalized ragging (read:content building) with odd hour deadlines and odder assignments. More advantages have been pointed out of this exercise than wot vicco claims from its ayurvedic toothpaste, however, like the latter, its still to show concrete results.

7) Bulk deal – A bulk deal can be for anything and everything in a subsidized b-school like ours. From laptops and mobile connections to accommodation and cannabis, we demand bulk deals for anything and everything.

8) SOPbox – A process in which candidates to a post introduce their candidature and are immediately subjected to Roadies-type torture(makes Raghu Ram look like a 5 yr old). only marginally better than stripping people naked and then laughing at them. However, for all that you know that might be the next logical step. This has been advocated as a way of filtering out non-serious as well as candidates with morals/honesty from the process of selection. Pakistan uses this method to select its Army chief. In fact I propose that the next SOPbox be recorded and the footage sold to India TV/ Colours tv channel. Definitely prime time stuff I say.

9) CV point – Any stuff that you include in your CV. assumes special significance during certain time of the year (between December to February). CV points range from the super-speciality (e.g.:awarded TIME magazine ‘person of the year’) to the mundane (e.g.:helped old lady cross the road). There have been instance where people have made an entire CV based on references only from Wikipedia.

10) Stalling – a process by which you ensure that a company is pissed and definitely walks off your campus. Usually recommended for adrenaline junkies and extremely gaseous people (Refer: ‘Gas’ above)
(More to follow).. :D