Pls get off-track!!

(This piece is a satire. To be taken with a pinch of salt.. and lemon.. and tequila..Repeat till u hit the floor.)
I was quite happy. The day had gone off quite well, infact much better than I’d ever expected it to be. Re-entered a class I was thrown out of, got my first attendance in that particular subject for the semester. Somebody even had a spare homework assignment that I passed off as my own. And, the icing on the cake – I was re-admitted to a dissertation that I’d been so generously thrown out of. In fact, if I’d stood against Nitish Kumar in the elections for bihar, chances are I’d have probably won thereby showing a huge electoral middle finger to the exit polls. So, the natural tendency would be to book a ticket and enjoy the holiday season with my near and dear ones. But sadly, only to hear that the trains are all blocked/running hours late. The reason: people sitting on the tracks.
My first reaction was, its ok, they’ll do their stuff that they usually do and go away. After all, the railways tracks are quite famous for that. Maybe the Constipated people of India got together in the traditionally-inviting environs of the railway tracks in a bid to overcome their bowel wars. But more than 24 hours down the line, these people are still sitting there. Surely, the bowel wars cant last that long. Then I came to know of the real reason for the wars. A community called Gujjars fighting for reservation.
Now, I’ve never followed politics keenly. So I still don’t know who these people are and what they are fighting for. I thought as long as we’re in an independent country and people are not killing themselves over Rakhi Sawant’s show on TV, everything ought to be cool. No? Well, apparently not. This made me shake off some virtual dust off the google news website and look up gujjars. I found some articles like this
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/delhi/N-Railway-lost-Rs-16cr-due-to-protests-this-year/articleshow/7142657.cms
That has got me thinking (and its pretty hard for me). The railway lost 16 cr due to this entire thing?? N it’s the 3rd round of this?? What do people think it is? Some sort of a competition? Or is it like
Guy 1: ‘Hey dude, do u remember how we sat on the tracks for 2 whole days?’
Guy 2: ‘ya man my bum hurt so bad but it was so adventurous though we got nothing out of it.’
Guy 3: ‘We were sitting for a reason??
Guy 4: ‘Who’s up for round 3?’
And everyone goes ‘Hell, yeah’, including guy 3 who has no freakin clue why he’s there in the first place.
I mean it in the nicest and politest of ways, but gujjar guys, can u get off the freaking tracks? I’ve got friends I wanna meet and I just cant spend my time in the train listening to super-sonic babies wreak havoc or old couples complain about their arthritis any more than is usually required. Please get some less-obtrusive (n infinitely less irritating yet effective) mode of getting attention like maybe undergoing mass sex-change operations, leaking nationally sensitive material, dropping a kid into a man-hole tunnel or entering in Big Boss/Roadies. But this track-capturing, my friends, is simply irritating. No wonder, the British were more pissed off with civil disobedience than people blowing up courthouses and stuff.
Now we come to the possible solutions. How can we ensure that these people don’t end up as natural extensions of our railway tracks? As of now I can think up of only these.
1) Pay other people to use the railway tracks for what their more efficient alternative use as open-air toilets. In fact, Mr. Pranab Mukherjee could think up of some NREGA plan along these lines which will also ensure full employment. (Also, this is one thing in which the women wont demand 33% reservation). Basically, you pay people to produce crap. Its not that radical an idea if you think about it. Companies like GM have been doing this. TATA recently did this with its employees coming up with India’s answer to the zippo lighter, named Nano.
2) Give them non-operational tracks to sit on. (although, how the government will manage to do this, m still not sure)
3) Spread them all-over India so that the progress of one particular state is not affected. This will help in two ways. Firstly, it will cause small stoppages in the trains all over india causing the people everywhere to take notice, thereby giving more teeth to the gujjar agitation. Secondly, there will not be complete blockage in any particular regions.
4) Considering their expertise, they could be employed to block trains world wide..This is in MBA parlance referred to as ‘leveraging on ur core competence’. Track-blocking could be encouraged as a fledgling industry with 26% FDI and tax deductions. (If you cant beat them, join them on the tracks)
So, while I wait for the trains to start moving again, I can only express my anguish at the system which has gone off-track. The east has the Maoists, the north has kashmiri extremists, the west has the newly created gujjars and the south have rajnikanth fanatics and a.raja to handle. And meanwhile, I also realize that I have missed out on yet another deadline of my dissertation. But now I don’t fear any more. The next time I am thrown out of dissertation, all I gotta do is go and sit on those tracks.. :D